GALVANIC SCALE OF TEMPORAL DECAY

From your humble beginnings tinkering on a small, dusty workbench, you’ve raised yourself up to be a titan of technology, a master of all mechanical moveables. And because punctuality is of the utmost importance to your crafts, you must always keep with you a fine timepiece. It would not be fitting for someone of your stature to have an unadorned wrist, or to be the late party holding up the launch of an airship. No no, that will not do at all.

For you, we humbly offer this stunning apparatus of rare mid-Victorian invention. It measures the decay of time using Carnot’s second law of thermodynamics, and sports a handsome “Galvanic Scale” dial with a hinged magnetic-fastening pressure cover hatch. The entire apparatus is hinged to a pewter bracelet adorned with copper coils and plastic pipes, with an adjustable steel fastener for a bespoke fit. And should you find the occasion to offer the Steam-Powered Entropy Calibrator Watch as a gift, you’ll find it most afternoonified upon a hexagonal pillow inside a black and gold gift box of the same shape.

For our customers with nickel allergies: These are made of English pewter, which is a mixture of tin, antimony, and copper. It is free of both lead and nickel. The fastener is surgical-steel, which is a mixture of chromium, nickel, and molybdenum.

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Kitchen Nightmares!

On a dark, haunted night, a Russian oligarch dares a circle of international chefs to play the samurai game of 100 Candles--where each storyteller spins a terrifying tale of ghosts, demons and unspeakable beings--and prays to survive the challenge.

Inspired by the Japanese Edo period game of Hyakumonogatari Kaidankai, Hungry Ghosts reimagines the classic stories of yokai, yorei, and obake, all tainted with the common thread of food.

First course: With bad consequence, a ramen chef refuses to help a beggar, and a band of pirates get more (and less) than they were bargaining for after their encounter with a drowning woman turns ghastly.

Hungry Ghosts is cooked up by the infamous author and chef, Anthony Bourdain (Kitchen Confidential, Emmy-Award winning TV star of Parts Unknown) and acclaimed novelist Joel Rose (Kill, Kill, Faster, Faster, back again from their New York Times #1 best seller, Get Jiro!). Joining them this issue are stellar artists Alberto Ponticelli and Vanesa Del Rey, with amazing color by Jose Villarrubia, and a drop-dead cover by Paul Pope

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Dungeons and Dragons Holiday Sweater

Do you think the elves in Santa’s workshop use their darkvision to be able to continue making toys throughout the night? You know, that combined with the trance thing probably makes for crazy working conditions. You think they’ve unionized? Santa should probably make sure the only bows in the workshop are the gift wrap variety because they’re all proficient with the other kind.

2019 ThinkGeek Despair Wall Calendar – Exclusive

We’ve teamed up with the geniuses at Despair, Inc. again to bring you a totally demotivating and hilarious calendar. You’ll get a different Demotivator each month (see below) as well as important dates in geek history. Impress your friends with your geeky trivia knowledge! Never forget Talk Like A Pirate Day again! Send @neilhimself a Happy Birthday tweet right on time! The superpowers you will gain from having this calendar cannot possibly fit in one paragraph. Keep it for yourself or give it to that geek in your life who has everything but still finds stuff to complain about. (They’ll love it but pretend to hate it. That’s just how they roll.) 

Harry Potter Hand-Controlled Candle

The image of all those floating candles in the Great Hall at Hogwarts is a memorable one. We like the books, too, but we’re very glad the movies exist if just to burn that breathtaking picture into our minds.